Does Mom Really Need a Carer?

Oct 21

Why Two Hours of Support Can Make a Difference

Getting older doesn't mean giving up the life you love. Sometimes, a little support at the right time can help you hold on to it.

Your mom is still living in her own home. She makes her own breakfast, keeps up with her favourite television programmes, knows exactly how she likes things done and has no intention of moving anywhere.

And why should she? She's perfectly happy at home.

But you've started noticing a few things.

Perhaps she doesn't drive as often as she used to. The weekly shopping trip has become a bit tiring, so you've started picking up groceries for her. She doesn't go out quite as much anymore, and that garden she used to spend hours in isn't getting quite the same attention.

Nothing particularly alarming has happened. She's still managing.

Yet you find yourself checking in more frequently. You're doing a little more each month, and somewhere in the back of your mind, a question has started forming.

Does Mom actually need a carer?

And almost immediately, another thought follows.

Surely we're not at that stage yet?

When did needing a little help become needing care?

It's interesting how we tend to think about home care.

For many families, there seems to be an invisible line. On one side, your mom is independent and managing perfectly well. On the other, she needs a carer.

The trouble is that real life rarely works like that. There is an enormous amount of space between someone being completely self-sufficient and someone needing significant daily assistance. Most of us will need a little help with something long before we need help with everything.

Think about your own life for a moment.

Perhaps you have someone who helps you clean the house. You order groceries because you don't have time to get to the shops. You ask a neighbour to look after the dogs when you're away, or call a handyman because there's something around the house you can't quite manage yourself.

We don't generally see these things as a loss of independence. They're simply ways of making life work better.

So why does the idea of getting a little help suddenly feel so significant when we get older?

Perhaps part of the problem is the word carer itself. It can sound like something you need once you're no longer able to manage on your own. Suggesting a carer to someone who still feels perfectly capable can therefore seem like a rather dramatic step.

And from your mom's perspective, it may sound as though everyone has decided she's no longer managing.

But what if we thought about it differently?

What if home care could start long before someone actually needs a lot of care?

What could two hours a week actually look like?

Forget the idea of someone coming into your mom's home to “look after her” for a moment.

Instead, think about what she still wants to do and what might be getting in the way.

Maybe she used to enjoy going to the shops, choosing her own groceries and stopping for a coffee afterwards. These days, driving feels stressful and walking around the shopping centre is tiring, so you've started doing the shopping for her.

It makes sense. It's quicker, and you're happy to help.

But she hasn't only lost a trip to the supermarket. She's lost an outing. The chance to choose what she wants, see familiar faces and be part of the world outside her front door.

What if, instead of someone shopping for her, she had someone who could go shopping with her?

That's what two hours of support could look like.

Or perhaps it's preparing food together, getting to an appointment, going for a walk, having coffee with a friend or getting back to something she enjoys but has quietly stopped doing.

There isn't a single answer, because people aren't all the same.

The important question isn't what can be done in two hours. It's what those two hours could make possible in your mom's life.

When helping starts to become taking over

When we notice Mom finding something difficult, the natural response is to step in.

We carry the shopping. Make the arrangements. Cook the meals. Eventually, it can simply seem easier to do things ourselves.

But there's a difference between helping someone and unintentionally removing opportunities for them to keep doing things for themselves.

If your mom stops going out because getting there has become difficult, she may gradually become less confident about going out at all. If everyone starts making decisions for her, she has fewer opportunities to exercise the independence she still has.

That doesn't mean someone should struggle with something that has become unsafe. Sometimes taking over a task is absolutely the right thing to do.

But before we do, perhaps there's another question worth asking.

Instead of only asking:

“What can I do for Mom?”

Ask:

“What would help Mom keep doing this for herself?”

Sometimes the answer is surprisingly small.

Remember, it's your mom's life

There's another perspective we need to consider.

Imagine your children discussing whether you can still manage in the home you've lived in for years.

Even when it's coming from a place of love, hearing “We think you need a carer” can sound very different from the other side.

Do they think I can't cope? Are they going to start making decisions for me? Is this the beginning of losing my independence?

That's why the conversation matters.

Instead of telling your mom what you've decided she needs, ask her.

What's become more difficult lately? Is there something she'd like to be doing that she isn't doing anymore? What would actually make her week easier?

She may tell you she'd love help getting to the shops. She may want someone to walk with. She may have something completely different in mind.

Or she may tell you she doesn't want help at all.

Listen to that too.

Independence isn't simply being able to do everything yourself. It's also having a say in how you live your life.

And then there's the guilt

Perhaps part of the reason you've resisted getting help is that you feel you should be doing it yourself.

Your mom looked after you. Now it's your turn.

But you also have work, children, relationships and the ordinary demands of your own life. Maybe you don't live nearby. Perhaps every visit has slowly become a combination of shopping, errands, appointments and jobs around the house.

And somewhere along the way, you get less time simply to be your mom's son or daughter.

Bringing in a little support doesn't mean you're stepping away. It might actually give some of that relationship back.

Someone else can help with the shopping. You can have the coffee.

At Thrive at Home, we think about care a little differently

We often ask ourselves what it really means to thrive. Because getting through the day and enjoying your life are not necessarily the same thing. A person can be safe and have all their practical needs met, yet still feel disconnected from the things that make life meaningful.

At Thrive at Home, we want to understand the person first.

What do they enjoy? What matters to them? What would they like to continue doing? And what, right now, is getting in the way?

The answer isn't always more care.

Sometimes it's companionship. Sometimes it's transport. Sometimes it's helping someone regain the confidence to do something they used to enjoy. Sometimes it's practical help with an ordinary problem at home.

And sometimes someone's needs are more complex.

That's why we work with a wider professional network that includes carers, nurses, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, speech therapists, social workers and more. It means we can look at what's actually happening in someone's life rather than assuming that every problem has the same solution.

Most importantly, we don't believe the goal of good care should automatically be for someone to become more dependent on us.

Where possible, we want to help people maintain their abilities, build confidence and continue doing things for themselves.

If someone needs more support for a period and then needs less, we consider that a good outcome.

Because good support should fit around your life. Your life shouldn't have to start fitting around care.

So, does your mom really need a carer?

Maybe.

But perhaps that's not quite the right question to start with.

Maybe your mom doesn't need someone to look after her.

Maybe she needs someone to accompany her to the shops. Someone to help her get back to an activity she's stopped doing. A little practical help at home. Or simply some company while she gets out and does the things she still enjoys.

Perhaps she does need more substantial assistance, and those needs deserve to be properly understood. Or perhaps she's managing well and isn't ready for additional support at all.

The point is that we don't have to wait for a crisis before having the conversation. And introducing support doesn't have to mean making a dramatic change to someone's life.

Support can start from just two hours a week.

It's a chance to start small and find out what actually helps.

Perhaps those two hours make your mom's week a little easier. Perhaps they help her reconnect with something she's stopped doing. Perhaps they give her the confidence to keep doing more for herself.

And perhaps, over time, what she needs will change. That's okay too. Because getting older doesn't mean giving up the life you love. Sometimes it simply means finding a different way to keep living it.